learning to float

figured this was easier than a journal…shoot, there's even an iphone ap!

hope float


Cheesey movie, hermit poet,

what of hope, what of of it?

I watch the boys in the bath tub as I gaze into daydream land. I’m deep in that space, under water…seeking to just be in that peaceful setting. Relaxed.

I gaze at the bubbles scattering to the top. It’s a race.
Which one will reach the surface first?!

I watch the immediacy, the persistence, the…
thirst.

It is joy!
it’s the joy!

The joy is persistent, the hope is endurant.
It floats. It floats!

No plastic boat, no rubber duck,
gets in the bubbles way.
It floats and purges to the top…
making it’s own way.

Float hope–Fight! Keep the surface at sight.

Float hope–Push! Use all, no use HIS, all HIS might.

Sail. go! Sail!


Oh take my in your boat, please do
Take me till all this is through
Take me until shore brings hope
And daylight dawns not the end of my rope.

In you, my God, is who I am
In you, your boat, may I land?
Oh father to your feet I come
Your magnificent, beautiful feet I come.

Oh safety midst the agony.
The parody.
False identity.
Desperately.

And may I be at land with you
When all is done
All is through.

May I meet your beacon there
A love not rare.
Do I dare?

I do dare, yes
To feel your warmth.
To trust your bow, and anchor there.

So let’s set sail.
I’ll not look back.
We’ll call it truth.
We’ll make a pact.

They’ll think I’m crazy
Good! That’s great!
Less to weight the boat with,
Little freight.

With you the storms are sheltered,
With you the wind is calm.
With you, dear Savior I am ready
And the sails become your palms.

boat


Hey boat.

Hello again.

Why ask again?

So new, so bright.

Ready for the show again?

No boat.

Not this time.

My energy, is runs thin.

No boat.

Just can’t.

My heart is prone to swim.

Go boat.

Go.

Search the waters ahead.

Love boat.

Love.

Go where you are led.

I will not be your anchor.

I will not be your pull.

But when you are in stormy seas,

Know my prayers for you are full.

You are a boat from which I’ve learned.

You are a boat I’ve loved.

Let me, let me, oh loved boat…

Give only a tender and kind shove.

You are part of my swimming heart,

Part of my move forward.

Part of who I’ll always be,

past, present, and onward.

sink


So heavy, my heart.
So heavy, how float?
Oh God stop the hurt.
It hurts.

Why now, why then?
Why him?
Why here?

Oh God, the fear.

My heart it breaks
It hits my soul.
It ruptures my life,
my dreams, my control.

If hope is a thing that floats,
Where are you?!
How far?!
No fair?!
Why their?!

I have not known this pain before.
I have not the ability to hold it anymore.
I can’t breathe, my mind, it has no refuge.
I can’t see, my ears, I’m left for salvage.

Nothing is healing, it all seems so fresh.
Everything is old, everything is left.
Not so left that the pain is dead.
Not so gone to be out of my head.

And my heart, how it aches
How it burns deep within.
Like a fire, like a torch,
contained by my sin.

How, Lord do I stop it,
How, lord do I flee?
Am I stuck to eternal unhappiness?
PLEASE!!!

Jesus, come down,
be with me now.
Help me make sense of this
chaos…somehow.

I don’t know which way is up,
which ways down.
I don’t know…do I wear a smile,
a frown?

Ouch! that’s enough.
I can’t take anymore.
I can’t stop. I’m afraid.
Could there be more?

How, Lord, did this happen?
What is this for?!
Why, Lord, why do I lay on this floor!?

I have no where to go
Except into your arms.
I have no where to turn, but to you
with my lies.

My exposure to you is ugly yet true.
I don’t know, I can’t know
what else I should do.

How do you ask for a pardon on sin,
when you know you will do it again and again?
How do you know when the pain is through?

I love him so deeply.
I love him so true.
Why did this happen?
I hear you, “It’s you”.

Oh how that hurts, and I desire to heal.
Will you, God, Will you?
Tell me truly how you feel.

I’m frightened no matter where
I go here and there.
All seems so fragile,
thin as thin air.

I sink deep into it,
I try to hide there.
I know better, but I do find some comfort there.

To feel something hopeful…
Even if it’s false.
The temptation is lingering, but
I see also the loss.

He is my Shepherd
He is where I land.
Come hell or high water,
I stay in His hands.

Here.


FAR, you’re near when I see you.

Tangeable.

Not so mysterious.

God, you show me truth. You expose not only that which I see…

But me.

NEAR, down where I seem safe.

I remember the breeze, the view. Those moments stay.

I close my eyes.

I know you, I hold you.

I hope.

HERE, where I fear.

A quiet flower speaks in a low voice:

“Remember”

“Holdfast”

Truth is still among you.

Though you feel no wind, and see less clearly.

“Hold onto me”, I hear…

A voice echoing from near, though far.

But not too far, to reach my ear.

on the EVE of troublesome control


Genesis 2:15 – 4:16

I watch as my little boys turn into mush, noticing a sweet and adorable little 2’3″ angel waltz into the play area, dressed in pink, and smiling from ear to ear. She makes eye contact with one of the boys. He’s hooked. It’s over. From this point on she has him wrapped around her little finger…and the other brother follows, hoping to be next…like a glutton for punishment!

That little girl lives inside all of us women. The power we’ve found in control is addictive and uncannily instinctive. Why do we feel the need to control where the tupperware is stored, what the kids are wearing to school, how our husbands weekend will be spent…etc?

Perhaps the most unnerving is the idea that we can control ourselves. Our thoughts, looks, desires, and statures are control-ready material in a woman’s world.

1. What do you find yourself seeking control over?

Take a look at Genesis 2:18-20

2. What was God seeking to do for Adam in these verses?

In Gen. 2:21 God makes Adam fall asleep and he takes one of his ribs. In Gen. 2:22…God creates woman from that rib! He then takes the woman to Adam.

3. Why…this is a total abstract question, but hang with me…do you think God makes woman from a rib?!

Why not a tooth, Adam most likely had a few of those. Why not a toe, he probably had ten, or an ear…after all do men really use both ears?
I wonder… if we consider where the rib is located on a man’s body, we may have a tiny look into what it means to have a healthy kind of control.

The ribs are located near the heart. They protect the heart, they help the surrounding area near the heart. What if we are to act as a rib for our men? A helper in protecting a man’s heart? Think THAT over.

If we were like a head, we’d control men’s thoughts. Sounds tempting…but there is beauty in a man’s thoughts when his heart is protected.

If we were like a foot we’d get trampled on, and have no voice. When a man’s heart is helpfully protected, He needs not trample on his helper.

Take a look at verse 23.

4. What is Adam’s reaction to Eve?

Eve was built out of man. Drawn out of his very flesh. Reading on into verse 24 we see the words “one flesh”. What a beautiful verse…have you ever really considered the way God designed such an intricate way for men and women to love one another? To be one…so that any part that suffers or rejoices in that other person, is actually done to you.

Read 1 Corinthians 13:3-8

When I read this all I can think of is how much faith it takes to do these things. These are not natural tendencies!
Although asked to act according to the verses above, we find ourselves seeking control, like Eve later does.

5. What are we running from when we seek control?
Could it be…
fear
sadness
embarrassment
weakness
humility
anger
jealousy??
Where do these things slither into your life?

Read on in Genesis 3:1-3
Here we see the slithery serpent at his trickiness. I always say Satan’s way reminds me of the snakes in the zoo. I’m always scanning the cage, trying to spot the slithery reptile…thinking I’m on the hunt…when BOOM#$^^*%&*^#!!! The snake scares me out of my head as I spot it and it’s staring RIGHT at me…as if it was just watching me, waiting for me to notice it the WHOLE time. ew. snakes.
Satan’s tricky. He slithers into things where He knows we hold weak spots.

6.Here, he begins talking to Eve about what?

Notice…he knows what humans, especially women, desire at their weakest…MORE.

7. What desires do we have that control us…and lead us straight into the trap…of feeling we need something, deserve something, and will do anything in our control to get it?

8. How do we betray God when we seek our own control?

Read verses 4-5. We betray God by our lack of faith. Without faith we “die” a spiritual death.

9. What is Satan provoking in you? In what do you demonstrate such lack of faith the God has control…that you clench tighter to it in your pride, fear, or anger?

In verse 6, knowing the nature of women, Satan uses the draw of comparison. Eve knew she could eat from every other tree…but THAT one. Somehow…THAT one was the one she wanted. Isn’t that the way the need for control works? We don’t like the word “no”…do we?

When we seek control, we forget about who we drag with us. Remember when we read “one flesh”? Look who was with Eve…and later…who else is with her? Her family. When one seeks control, there are subjects that are subjected to that control…

Let’s do a little reminissing…
What was your first date like? Mine was great…until the end when my dad came to the door wearing nothing but tighty whitey underwear, a v-neck undershirt, black socks, and a mouth guard. It scarred me, and the dude I’m sure, for life.
It was my dad’s way of controlling a situation which he felt out of control in…and went about it quite wrong. seriously…I never look at black socks without an awful memory…

Truly…there are people we are affecting that are part of our very body, whether by blood or by faith, with our desire to control. It’s not a good thing.
Read 1 Corinthians 12:25-31
Read Romans 12:4-8

Skipping ahead a tad, read Genesis 4:1-8
10. Children learn from our behavior. We all fall short of His glory, and sin is inevitable…but what are we teaching our children they can control, by what we act as if we can control?

11. Read question 1 again…this time, consider those around you, the body of Christ you are part of, the less fortunate, the easy to hate, your family, the very women in the room with you…

Read Genesis 3:7-13
Notice the shame…and THEN comes the blame.

12. In what ways do we control our shame, with blame?

In verse 16 God punishes Eve, and womankind, with pain, right where it hurts the most…in what she is designed to help, love, and have joy for the most…her children and husband. Seeking control without knowing HE is in control is painful, and the pain is felt what we hold onto the tightest, without surrender.

Hope is a things that floats.


no one wants to hear about the things that hurt the most.

no one wants to know what will keep you from afloat.

what if someone cries and screams and it threatens you the most?

what if your lifeboat may sink, when you give someone hope?

where’s the evacuation route? where’s the leader here?

who’s in charge of saving those who have nothing left but fear?

What if there’s a wave approaching, will you cast a line?

What if you don’t know them will you leave them far behind?

Who are you Lord, my Savior? What do you want with me?!

God why now, why all this…why not so gently…?

How am I to bear it? Where am I to go?

Who am I to lead? Who am I to follow?

You know what I cling to, and what is precious to me.

You know what I have risked, and yet you still hold me.

The sea is churning oh so fast. Will I stay afloat?

Will I stay and will I be cast a line of hope?