learning to float
figured this was easier than a journal…shoot, there's even an iphone ap!hope float
Cheesey movie, hermit poet,
what of hope, what of of it?
I watch the boys in the bath tub as I gaze into daydream land. I’m deep in that space, under water…seeking to just be in that peaceful setting. Relaxed.
I gaze at the bubbles scattering to the top. It’s a race.
Which one will reach the surface first?!
I watch the immediacy, the persistence, the…
thirst.
It is joy!
it’s the joy!
The joy is persistent, the hope is endurant.
It floats. It floats!
No plastic boat, no rubber duck,
gets in the bubbles way.
It floats and purges to the top…
making it’s own way.
Float hope–Fight! Keep the surface at sight.
Float hope–Push! Use all, no use HIS, all HIS might.
Sail. go! Sail!
Oh take my in your boat, please do
Take me till all this is through
Take me until shore brings hope
And daylight dawns not the end of my rope.
In you, my God, is who I am
In you, your boat, may I land?
Oh father to your feet I come
Your magnificent, beautiful feet I come.
Oh safety midst the agony.
The parody.
False identity.
Desperately.
And may I be at land with you
When all is done
All is through.
May I meet your beacon there
A love not rare.
Do I dare?
I do dare, yes
To feel your warmth.
To trust your bow, and anchor there.
So let’s set sail.
I’ll not look back.
We’ll call it truth.
We’ll make a pact.
They’ll think I’m crazy
Good! That’s great!
Less to weight the boat with,
Little freight.
With you the storms are sheltered,
With you the wind is calm.
With you, dear Savior I am ready
And the sails become your palms.
boat
Hey boat.
Hello again.
Why ask again?
So new, so bright.
Ready for the show again?
No boat.
Not this time.
My energy, is runs thin.
No boat.
Just can’t.
My heart is prone to swim.
Go boat.
Go.
Search the waters ahead.
Love boat.
Love.
Go where you are led.
I will not be your anchor.
I will not be your pull.
But when you are in stormy seas,
Know my prayers for you are full.
You are a boat from which I’ve learned.
You are a boat I’ve loved.
Let me, let me, oh loved boat…
Give only a tender and kind shove.
You are part of my swimming heart,
Part of my move forward.
Part of who I’ll always be,
past, present, and onward.
sink
So heavy, my heart.
So heavy, how float?
Oh God stop the hurt.
It hurts.
Why now, why then?
Why him?
Why here?
Oh God, the fear.
My heart it breaks
It hits my soul.
It ruptures my life,
my dreams, my control.
If hope is a thing that floats,
Where are you?!
How far?!
No fair?!
Why their?!
I have not known this pain before.
I have not the ability to hold it anymore.
I can’t breathe, my mind, it has no refuge.
I can’t see, my ears, I’m left for salvage.
Nothing is healing, it all seems so fresh.
Everything is old, everything is left.
Not so left that the pain is dead.
Not so gone to be out of my head.
And my heart, how it aches
How it burns deep within.
Like a fire, like a torch,
contained by my sin.
How, Lord do I stop it,
How, lord do I flee?
Am I stuck to eternal unhappiness?
PLEASE!!!
Jesus, come down,
be with me now.
Help me make sense of this
chaos…somehow.
I don’t know which way is up,
which ways down.
I don’t know…do I wear a smile,
a frown?
Ouch! that’s enough.
I can’t take anymore.
I can’t stop. I’m afraid.
Could there be more?
How, Lord, did this happen?
What is this for?!
Why, Lord, why do I lay on this floor!?
I have no where to go
Except into your arms.
I have no where to turn, but to you
with my lies.
My exposure to you is ugly yet true.
I don’t know, I can’t know
what else I should do.
How do you ask for a pardon on sin,
when you know you will do it again and again?
How do you know when the pain is through?
I love him so deeply.
I love him so true.
Why did this happen?
I hear you, “It’s you”.
Oh how that hurts, and I desire to heal.
Will you, God, Will you?
Tell me truly how you feel.
I’m frightened no matter where
I go here and there.
All seems so fragile,
thin as thin air.
I sink deep into it,
I try to hide there.
I know better, but I do find some comfort there.
To feel something hopeful…
Even if it’s false.
The temptation is lingering, but
I see also the loss.
He is my Shepherd
He is where I land.
Come hell or high water,
I stay in His hands.
Here.
FAR, you’re near when I see you.
Tangeable.
Not so mysterious.
God, you show me truth. You expose not only that which I see…
But me.
NEAR, down where I seem safe.
I remember the breeze, the view. Those moments stay.
I close my eyes.
I know you, I hold you.
I hope.
HERE, where I fear.
A quiet flower speaks in a low voice:
“Remember”
“Holdfast”
Truth is still among you.
Though you feel no wind, and see less clearly.
“Hold onto me”, I hear…
A voice echoing from near, though far.
But not too far, to reach my ear.
on the EVE of troublesome control
Genesis 2:15 – 4:16
I watch as my little boys turn into mush, noticing a sweet and adorable little 2’3″ angel waltz into the play area, dressed in pink, and smiling from ear to ear. She makes eye contact with one of the boys. He’s hooked. It’s over. From this point on she has him wrapped around her little finger…and the other brother follows, hoping to be next…like a glutton for punishment!
That little girl lives inside all of us women. The power we’ve found in control is addictive and uncannily instinctive. Why do we feel the need to control where the tupperware is stored, what the kids are wearing to school, how our husbands weekend will be spent…etc?
Perhaps the most unnerving is the idea that we can control ourselves. Our thoughts, looks, desires, and statures are control-ready material in a woman’s world.
1. What do you find yourself seeking control over?
Take a look at Genesis 2:18-20
2. What was God seeking to do for Adam in these verses?
In Gen. 2:21 God makes Adam fall asleep and he takes one of his ribs. In Gen. 2:22…God creates woman from that rib! He then takes the woman to Adam.
3. Why…this is a total abstract question, but hang with me…do you think God makes woman from a rib?!
Why not a tooth, Adam most likely had a few of those. Why not a toe, he probably had ten, or an ear…after all do men really use both ears?
I wonder… if we consider where the rib is located on a man’s body, we may have a tiny look into what it means to have a healthy kind of control.
The ribs are located near the heart. They protect the heart, they help the surrounding area near the heart. What if we are to act as a rib for our men? A helper in protecting a man’s heart? Think THAT over.
If we were like a head, we’d control men’s thoughts. Sounds tempting…but there is beauty in a man’s thoughts when his heart is protected.
If we were like a foot we’d get trampled on, and have no voice. When a man’s heart is helpfully protected, He needs not trample on his helper.
Take a look at verse 23.
4. What is Adam’s reaction to Eve?
Eve was built out of man. Drawn out of his very flesh. Reading on into verse 24 we see the words “one flesh”. What a beautiful verse…have you ever really considered the way God designed such an intricate way for men and women to love one another? To be one…so that any part that suffers or rejoices in that other person, is actually done to you.
Read 1 Corinthians 13:3-8
When I read this all I can think of is how much faith it takes to do these things. These are not natural tendencies!
Although asked to act according to the verses above, we find ourselves seeking control, like Eve later does.
5. What are we running from when we seek control?
Could it be…
fear
sadness
embarrassment
weakness
humility
anger
jealousy??
Where do these things slither into your life?
Read on in Genesis 3:1-3
Here we see the slithery serpent at his trickiness. I always say Satan’s way reminds me of the snakes in the zoo. I’m always scanning the cage, trying to spot the slithery reptile…thinking I’m on the hunt…when BOOM#$^^*%&*^#!!! The snake scares me out of my head as I spot it and it’s staring RIGHT at me…as if it was just watching me, waiting for me to notice it the WHOLE time. ew. snakes.
Satan’s tricky. He slithers into things where He knows we hold weak spots.
6.Here, he begins talking to Eve about what?
Notice…he knows what humans, especially women, desire at their weakest…MORE.
7. What desires do we have that control us…and lead us straight into the trap…of feeling we need something, deserve something, and will do anything in our control to get it?
8. How do we betray God when we seek our own control?
Read verses 4-5. We betray God by our lack of faith. Without faith we “die” a spiritual death.
9. What is Satan provoking in you? In what do you demonstrate such lack of faith the God has control…that you clench tighter to it in your pride, fear, or anger?
In verse 6, knowing the nature of women, Satan uses the draw of comparison. Eve knew she could eat from every other tree…but THAT one. Somehow…THAT one was the one she wanted. Isn’t that the way the need for control works? We don’t like the word “no”…do we?
When we seek control, we forget about who we drag with us. Remember when we read “one flesh”? Look who was with Eve…and later…who else is with her? Her family. When one seeks control, there are subjects that are subjected to that control…
Let’s do a little reminissing…
What was your first date like? Mine was great…until the end when my dad came to the door wearing nothing but tighty whitey underwear, a v-neck undershirt, black socks, and a mouth guard. It scarred me, and the dude I’m sure, for life.
It was my dad’s way of controlling a situation which he felt out of control in…and went about it quite wrong. seriously…I never look at black socks without an awful memory…
Truly…there are people we are affecting that are part of our very body, whether by blood or by faith, with our desire to control. It’s not a good thing.
Read 1 Corinthians 12:25-31
Read Romans 12:4-8
Skipping ahead a tad, read Genesis 4:1-8
10. Children learn from our behavior. We all fall short of His glory, and sin is inevitable…but what are we teaching our children they can control, by what we act as if we can control?
11. Read question 1 again…this time, consider those around you, the body of Christ you are part of, the less fortunate, the easy to hate, your family, the very women in the room with you…
Read Genesis 3:7-13
Notice the shame…and THEN comes the blame.
12. In what ways do we control our shame, with blame?
In verse 16 God punishes Eve, and womankind, with pain, right where it hurts the most…in what she is designed to help, love, and have joy for the most…her children and husband. Seeking control without knowing HE is in control is painful, and the pain is felt what we hold onto the tightest, without surrender.
Hope is a things that floats.
no one wants to hear about the things that hurt the most.
no one wants to know what will keep you from afloat.
what if someone cries and screams and it threatens you the most?
what if your lifeboat may sink, when you give someone hope?
where’s the evacuation route? where’s the leader here?
who’s in charge of saving those who have nothing left but fear?
What if there’s a wave approaching, will you cast a line?
What if you don’t know them will you leave them far behind?
Who are you Lord, my Savior? What do you want with me?!
God why now, why all this…why not so gently…?
How am I to bear it? Where am I to go?
Who am I to lead? Who am I to follow?
You know what I cling to, and what is precious to me.
You know what I have risked, and yet you still hold me.
The sea is churning oh so fast. Will I stay afloat?
Will I stay and will I be cast a line of hope?
powerful women…or were they?
Power.
What’s troubling about power?
What do we love about power?
1. As a woman, what is so appealing about power? When do you feel the desire for power the most?
For me it’s when I’m lacking control. It doesn’t matter if it’s when my three year old flat out says “no, mom” or if the energy bill comes and is entirely to expensive and I cannot go back a month and turn lights off around the house…I like power! I like control!
We will visit two women today that understood this desire for control, for power…and we will see how far this hunger for power takes them.
Read Genesis 39: 1-7
2. What’s happening with Joseph?
Joseph was put in charge of much; he was esteemed and trusted by Potiphar.
3. What do you suppose this Potiphar was like?
He was a very important man, a man of power. He had the responsibility of guarding Pharaoh, and imprisoning all who were against Him. He seemed, in my opinion, to be quite focused on possessions, wealth, and stature.
I guess it’s verse 6 that really hits me…”He had no concern about anything but the food he ate”. Although this illustrates how God helped Joseph, it also, to me, showed what kind of man “Potiphar’s wife” was married to. Shoot- she didn’t even have a name! She was…”Potiphar’s wife”…how, demeaning. Could she possibly have felt so powerless…that she went searching…in a vindictive, quite power-seeking way?
4. What do you think she was looking for?
Keeping your place here in Genesis, turn to and read 1 Kings 19:1-3
Jezebel was married to King Ahab, a powerful, greedy, and confused man. Not to mention a wuss. She had a reputation for murdering prophets. She was an angry woman.
5. What causes a woman to resort to anger? Could a man who cares only for himself, and so little for his wife, cause a woman who deeply desires love and respect, to act in anger?
Most likely…Jezebel was pissed off. Mad at her situation, mad at her daddy, mad at the curly hair she was born with…we don’t really know. The Bible doesn’t go into detail on that one. However, what we do know is she’s pissed and she’s bitter. And dangerously she is out to use that anger through the power she has acquired through a careless and powerful husband.
6. What does Elijah do in these three verses? What do you think this does to Jezebel’s ego? What do you think this confirms for her?
7. How does it make YOU feel when you lash out in anger? Do you feel a release? How long does that last? Yeah…that’s about how long it probably lasted for her too…which is why she was never at peace, but at war.
Read on in I Kings 2…this is where Jezebel in all her hatred shines…
8. Wow, Jezebel is quite a character, isn’t she? Have you ever met someone with this desire to bitterly destroy someone else for the purpose of pride? If you’re having trouble, think back to middle school…
In sixth grade I was friends with a girl named Amber. She was an average-looking, taller than usual, new to the neighborhood kid who had some issues at home. Even then, I befriended the least likely to have a friend…call it a calling, call it a weakness…I really don’t know…I just know it happens a lot.
Anyway, Amber was awful. She stole my library number and checked out 16 books in my name, and never returned them. She stole a ring my dad gave me, and made fun of my plain white fold over socks. She poured blue finger nail polish in my goldfish bowl and tragically murdered dear “Goldy” in the process. She was bad, and it was miserable being her friend. Amber moved away after a few months, as her new step dad was transferred.
I still think of Amber often…how she struck fear in me, and yet a sense of awe. I remember knowing even then, that her anger was not towards me, but towards her powerless situation.
I think adults still feel that powerlessness. I think women are subject to feeling that bitterness, that anger…and it turns petty and vindictive.
Go back to Genesis chapter 39. This time read verses 8-20.
9. Earlier you were asked what this wife was searching for…how determined is she, according to verse 10?
10. Have you ever been so troubled by the desire for something that you become fixated…and unaware of seeing the danger involved?
It could be as simple as the desire for your four year old to be the best in class, or the quest to be the best at apple pie baking…what’s eating away at you and enticing you to seek control and power, and therefore becoming troubled?
She schemed on removing him from her husband’s household.
11. Why do you think she did that?
When we become enthralled by the desire to be in power, we have the tendency to cover our messy tracks. She is doing just this.
Power=control=separation from He who IS in control=T-R-O-U-B-L-E
12. What does God say happens to Jezebel in 1 Kings 21: 23? This kind of death signified shame. It was meant to describe a death of one who could not afford a proper burial.
We don’t know what happens to Potiphar’s wife, but we do know she didn’t get what she originally wanted.
By these endings neither Jezebel nor the wife gain power. By these endings they are not awarded pride. One gets a disappointed stressed out husband, and is back at square one. The other gets a death and a big slice of humility. Their stories end sadly.
The means of these sad stories is trouble, caused by power-seeking women, who covered up what they REALLY needed with control. How will your story end?
The woman at the well- John 4:1-42
Avoidance. Fear. Guilt. Secrecy.
Dirty, troubled words, aren’t they?
Take a look at Romans 3:23
We all live in a tad bit of all the above. It’s sin, and we all have it. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. We’re all troubled.
Let’s take a look at one troubled woman who to this day amazes me with her strength.
Read John 4:1-6
1- Where were Jesus and the disciples traveling to? Where did they go through?
Samaritan people were partly Jewish and partly Gentile. Because they were a racially mixed group, and in fact even intermarried with Mesopotamian groups, they were avoided my Jews. They were seen as defiling to be around, as if to say that Samaritans would contaminate the Jewish people.
In verse 6…
2- What “hour” does it state Jesus began to draw water from the well?
This hour is what we would know as noon, the hottest time of day.
Let’s look into this well thing a little more…
Read Genesis 24:11
3- When did women typically go to the well?
Wells then, may have been like the starbucks or the hair salons of our time. What do you think? I mean, really, can you imagine what it was like? Here is a daily, maybe even twice a day, opportunity to gather together as women and talk all they wanted to. First thing in the morning, when the kids were up all night and the husband stubbed his toe as he got up for his usually middle of the night “potty” run…and right before dinner time, when kids were psycho and the husband comes home demanding food! Wow…that’s pretty much when you see the starbucks at it’s fullest these days, isn’t it?
4- What do women talk about?
5- Most likely you mentioned other women in the list. How often do you think this noon-day woman at the well came up for conversation?
Read on in John 4:7-9
5- In verse 7 who spoke first, Jesus or the woman?
This took the woman by surprise. She was one, a woman…two, a Samaritan! what He was doing was considered unclean in his culture.
…meanwhile, back at OUR well…starbucks…
6- What would be considered a cultural no-no in our starbucks society? Would it be as simple as refraining from talk of that “sinful and strange” woman…or would it be giving a homeless guy five bucks, instead of ordering coffee that day? What would happen if you started talking to other people in starbucks randomly…and you mentioned Jesus?- whew! Now there’s a risk! That may take quite a lot of guts.
7- What is God asking you to do that you need the guts for?
Read John 4:10-12
Maybe you think you have the guts but you’re not sure God fully understands that what He’s asking us unrealistic…things will be affected, turned, changed. We sometimes wonder if God is really able to do what He promises, protecting and enabling us to do what He calls us to do…sound familiar?
Really, we’re all still that junior high kid in the cafeteria. Nerd or jock every move is based on what we think we ought to do to control our status…being who God made you is, in your eyes, seldom an option, and too much of a risk.
In verse 11 I think the woman is having these very thoughts…”Dude, you have nothing to draw the water from”. The well was far over 100 feet deep. “Where are you gonna get that?” In fact,in verse 12 she uses what she KNOWS as truth and asks “Are you greater than…?” She knew Jacob, the father of Israel gave her people that well…what could THIS dude do for her? She most likely had high hopes, but I imagine didn’t show them and certainly didn’t feel they were possible.
8- What’s holding you back from really trusting God to have your back in what you feel you are called to begin, or stop, doing?
Read John 4:13-15…what an awesome passage.
He is talking about nurturing more than her body- her soul! It’s beautiful!
9- What does God do to feed your soul, not just your flesh?
The woman says she wants this living water- so she doesn’t have to come back to the well. She doesn’t want to have to keep coming in the heat of the day to avoid the stares and nasty remarks of other women! She’s excited about not having to come back to this pubic place of humility…for her, anyway. But he’s not talking literally.
Read John 4:16-19
Oh snap! Can you imagine her face?! She’s all: Who the heck IS this guy!?
Jesus gently gives her understanding of both the knowledge He holds about her and her sin. The woman had “5 husbands”, we don’t know or need to know details. They may have died, or divorced her, and the latest was just a guy was maybe a boyfriend only. But what I know I can safely assume, is that she was quite put out by men and having only a fleeting and temporary confidence that she could be physically satisfied, and satisfy others.She was most likely unpopular with the ladies too…seeing as she’s at the well at noon. She must have felt so lonely and beat down.
I think this feeding of the spirit stuff sounded strange to her…but can you imagine the hope it gave her?!
10- What could you release to God if you could just believe He will take care of you through? Have you experienced a time like this in your life?
For me there are so many moments. One was with my own father. What a huge step it was for me, and sometimes still is, to let him get to know me. But God has given me what I need along the way, and has helped me shed what I cannot hold onto to move forward.
Read John 4:20-24
We could go pretty deep on this stuff, but for time sake let’s look more generally.
Jesus talks about how worship is not confined to one place in verse 21, because God is not confined, as is a God made of flesh.
11- How do you attempt to confine God in your life? Where is He not allowed in your life, according to you?
Read John 4:25-30
Wow! Can you imagine: “Yep, I’m the dude you’re talking about”…whoa! I bet it blew her mind! But to see the love He showed her, and know what He naturally knew about her…I imagine something wonderful clicked inside her.
12- And what happens in verse 29&30?!
Read John 4:31-38
13- Disciples were speaking of physically nurturing food, what was Jesus speaking of?
In verse 35, one of my personal favorite verses ever, btw…
14- Are you following what He is he referencing?! Why does He say “lift up your eyes”?
The disciples I’m sure looked up, and saw…the people…coming for answers…WOW…what I would give to see that moment.
15- Ever had one of those moments where you look up, and finally see what God has possibly been trying to tell you for some time now?
Take a look at Luke 10:2 and Matthew 9:37
16- Are you ready? Are you equipped with the armor of God to be that different woman…that soldier for Christ in starbucks, beauty salons, preschool hallways, even your own front yard?
Dig deep and get those guts, you’ll need them because it’s quite a ride. Your Savior is mighty, and He’s got your back through thick and thin. Past and present…and future.
Read John 4:39-42
17- Describe these last few verses.
Jesus is the Savior of ALL people, not just Jews. He is the lover of souls, all souls…even those with 5 husbands. He desires all people to know Him, understand Him, and spread His message.
18- How are you helping Him with those troubled souls? It might be yours, it might be a friend’s. It most likely changes daily!
The harvest is plentiful. The workers are few. May you hear God’ calling and pack up for work. May you cling to His joy and strength, and faithfully trek on knowing it won’t be an easy ride, but a ride worth taking.
There might just be a woman at a starbucks somewhere who needs to meet Jesus…
Mary Magdalene
“How could she?!”
*gasp* “I can’t believe it?! Really? She didn’t…”
“Oh, thank God our life is not like that…”
Do you ever catch yourselves saying things like this?
Do you ever talk it up, then go to lay at bed at night and wonder about that very person…and why it bothers you SOOO much?
Why does that “Troubled woman” BOTHER you so much?
May I propose…
There is a troubled woman inside ALL of us. We mock what we fear.
(If you’re perfect, please tune in…because this is specifically for you, dear.)
Open your Bible to the story of Mary Magdalene:
starting with Luke 8:2-3
The women mentioned here are women who provided support and money for Jesus’ ministry. This may have meant they sold handmade goods, held PTA bake sales, held small temporary jobs, heck, we don’t really know. What we do know is that Joanna, one of the others here who are mentioned by name, was the wife of Herod’s household manager, so it’s safe to assume she was rolling in the moola $$. But what we know for sure is what the word says, and the word says “with Him”, and “provided for them out of their means”.
1-What else does it say about these women?
2- What do you think the significance of “seven demons” is, when referencing Mary’s demons?
The healing Mary Magdalene of demonic possession was certainly noted as a very great healing, as it is noted several times with the reference of “7 demons”.
3- What is the title line in your Bible above Luke 8:4?
Mine reads: “The Parable of The Sower”
Take a look at this parable, and read it through verse 8.
4- Do you find any significance in parable to the diversity of the women mentioned earlier?
It could be a stretch…but I see a lot of significance.
I read this parable and I think of those women in our lives, like these women here in Chapter 8 or Luke. The women like Mary, whom we *gasp* at or wonder over…the woman who we just don’t understand, so we poke fun at…the…TROUBLED women…
There’s all shapes and sizes, all sorts of personalities, and all sorts of untold, nevertheless understood, childhood and adulthood traumas and secrets. All women carry these conditions around, some more silent than others, some more skillfully hiding their thorns…you are most likely one of them, as am I.
5- What “thorns” are poking at you? What “demons” do you fight to hide, which desperately need casting out?
6- How are you withholding the Savior you know, love, and trust…from getting to that Mary Magdalene in your life? (It could be you, it could be that woman you shook your head at this morning).
What are YOU doing to PROVIDE for Jesus out of YOUR means, like these noted, yet previously “troubled” women mentioned by Luke?
Let’s look at Mary Magdalene more specifically:
Read Mark 15:41
Mary was from Magdala, a wealthy town on the coast of Galilee near Capernaum. Mary may have been one of the prominent people from the town. Though we know nothing of her family or marital status, she was free to follow Jesus.
7- What do you think “follow Jesus” entailed? (There’s no technical answer here, just envision it…)
Read Matthew 27:55-56
The Sea of Galilee is approximately 80 miles from Jerusalem, where we are in verse 55.
Mary followed Jesus from Galilee which means she was there to witness the travels which included the foretelling of the death and resurrection, the sermon on the mount…and many miracles and parables. She was with Him for incredible points in the workings of our Lord!
8- What kind of Savior allows a “troubled” woman be a part of such an essential ministry?!
Jesus IS A loving, true, and merciful Savior.
How has he shown you this?
Read
Matthew 27:59-61
John 20:1-18
What a beautiful ending. Jesus appears to Mary, and says “Why are you crying?”…and later after realizing the incredible truth of her Savior, she states: “I have seen the Lord”!
Through her honesty, trust, love, and obedience…she faithfully followed her Savior, and was the first to see Him resurrected.
9- What are you missing by hiding those thorns, those imperfections? Who are you spending time mocking…when you could be learning a beautiful lesson?
Peace be with you.
